5.2

Our focus for the next several weeks will be on revision. Below I have posted an essay and an outline from a college admission sample. Review the essay and outline. You will then work backwards to create an outline from the essay posted at the end of this blog.


Essay:
It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my mother has been on my life. She's the kind of person who has thoughtful discussions about which artist she would most want to have her portrait painted by (Sargent), the kind of mother who always has time for her four children, and the kind of community leader who has a seat on the board of every major project to assist Washington's impoverished citizens.Growing up with such a strong role model, I developed many of her enthusiasms. I not only came to love the excitement of learning simply for the sake of knowing something new, but I also came to understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a new sense of life, love, and spirit.

My mother's enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in travel. I was nine years old when my family visited Greece. Every night for three weeks before the trip, my older brother Peter and I sat with my mother on her bed reading Greek myths and taking notes on the Greek Gods. Despite the fact that we were traveling with fourteen-month-old twins, we managed to be at each ruin when the site opened at sunrise. I vividly remember standing in an empty amphitheatre pretending to be an ancient tragedian, picking out my favorite sculpture in the Acropolis museum, and inserting our family into modified tales of the battle at Troy. Eight years and half a dozen passport stamps later I have come to value what I have learned on these journeys about global history, politics and culture, as well as my family and myself.

While I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to me abroad, my life has been equally transformed by what she has shown me just two miles from my house. As a ten year old, I often accompanied my mother to (name deleted), a local soup kitchen and children's center. While she attended meetings, I helped with the Summer Program by chasing children around the building and performing magic tricks. Having finally perfected the "floating paintbrush" trick, I began work as a full time volunteer with the five and six year old children last June. It is here that I met Jane Doe, an exceptionally strong girl with a vigor that is contagious. At the end of the summer, I decided to continue my work at (name deleted) as Jane's tutor. Although the position is often difficult, the personal rewards are beyond articulation. In the seven years since I first walked through the doors of (name deleted), I have learned not only the idea of giving to others, but also of deriving from them a sense of spirit.

Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it. While the raw experiences I have had at home and abroad have been spectacular, I have learned to truly value them by watching my mother. She has enriched my life with her passion for learning, and changed it with her devotion to humanity. In her endless love of everything and everyone she is touched by, I have seen a hope and life that is truly exceptional. Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However, my mother will always be by my side.

OUTLINE:
Paragraph 1 (Introduction)
I. Leading sentence: "It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my mother has been on my life."
II. Summary of main points: "I not only came to love the excitement of learning simply for the sake of knowing something new, but I also came to understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a new sense of life, love, and spirit."
Paragraph 2 (First Supporting Point)
I. Transition sentence: "My mother's enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in travel."
II. Supporting point: Her mother's enthusiasm for learning.
III. Evidence: Learning through travel by using the example of a trip to Greece.
Paragraph 3 (Second Supporting Point)
I. Transition sentence: "While I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to me abroad, my life has been equally transformed by what she has shown me just two miles from my house."
II. Supporting point: Her mother's dedication to the community.
III. Evidence: Her multiple volunteer activities such as helping at the local soup kitchen.
Paragraph 4 (Conclusion)
I. Transition sentence: "Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it."
II. Reiteration of main points: "She has enriched my life with her passion for learning, and changed it with her devotion to humanity."
III. Taking it one step further: "Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However, my mother will always be by my side."

Analyze and create an outline for the following essay:

Discovering and choosing a university that fulfills all of my needs was a rigorous yet exciting task. The Ivy U clearly emerged as the best choice for me and I, as a great match for the university. After visiting the campus, reading the information pamphlet, and researching the university Web site, I realize that Ivy offers what I hope to gain from my college experience. In return, I will contribute to the university as a person with leadership qualities who takes initiative and enjoys participating in school events.
As president of the student council, I have always promoted school spirit, and I intend to continue my enthusiastic involvement throughout my college career. My school places a large emphasis on test grades and homework, creating a serious mood throughout the school. As president, I have tried to enrich the school experience by planning events such as school lunches and interesting field trips. I have learned through my role as president to take charge, delegate responsibilities, be creative, innovative, exciting, and take responsibility. I hope to use these attributes to contribute to many of the clubs and activities offered at Ivy.
At the beginning of this school year, I took the initiative and single-handedly started a need-based tutoring service to pair weaker students with scholastically competent seniors and juniors. Approximately thirty students have been successfully paired and my school has permanently adopted this program. I am thrilled to know that Ivy has a tutoring service to help immigrants and political refugees in West Philadelphia where I can continue tutoring while in college.
In addition to academic breadth, there are a greater variety of extra-curricular activities available on the larger campus. I am excited about continuing my interests in sports and theater. I have played on my high school's varsity volleyball team for two years and I plan to play volleyball throughout college in Ivy's women's club volleyball. I also performed in The Sound of Music in high school and the Teatron will allow me to actively participate in theater.
I have chosen to apply early decision to the Ivy School of Nursing for I realize that Ivy is the perfect university for me. A college is ultimately as good as the students who attend, and as a well-rounded student who excels academically, socially, and in her extra curricular activities, I feel that I will add to and learn from Ivy and its flourishing environment. I function most effectively in a small academic setting and will derive all the benefits of the university's intimate yet rich campus. I truly believe that I will fulfill my potential by attending the University of Ivy.